THURSDAY THIRTEEN

Thirteen Things about the rest of the family.

Okay, so last week I shared THIRTEEN HAIRBRAINED SCHEMES THAT DIDN'T PAN OUT. This week, I thought I'd expand and include the fam too.
Because, after all, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

1. I ordered one of those "Welcome" signs (painted on slate) for my cousin's wedding and I misspelled her last name (I'm gonna play the "not my fault" card and say a family member, who shall remain nameless, told me it was spelled that way).


2. My younger brother was walking home from elementary school and had to, you know, go. So he stopped by a classmate's house and inquired if he was home. When the dad said no, bro asked if he could use their bathroom and basically peeled paint before continuing on his merry way. I can just imagine that dad shaking his head in disbelief.


3. The same brother used a stripped lamp wire to try to jump start our dog's heart when she went into heart failure ("CLEAR!"). I know it's crazy but he was voted class clown and he's funny even when he isn't trying to be.


4. My mom loves hates it when I take full advantage of our public outings together. For example, we'll be at a craft show together and I'll find the crunchiest, ugliest craft in the place then say with all the enthusiasm I can muster, "MOM! Oh! My! Goodness! This lace toilet tissue holder would match perfectly in your master bath. It's just like the one you planned to order." And then she tries to keep a straight face and I usually feel a swat to the back of my head.


5. My dad can't swim. He wouldn't get on a small boat in a bathtub, let alone on the ocean. Still, he found himself on the ocean in a tiny wooden boat known as a water taxi, all because he waved at dh and I. We were pushing off the dock and we thought he was asking us to wait up, so we made the taxi guy pull the boat back in.
   My mom, Carl and I cracked up as Dad white knuckled a wooden pole and wouldn't let go to clean the ocean spray from his sunglasses. We laughed even harder when he barked, "Can't you get this thing any closer to the shore?" Um, the water was only knee deep where we were dropped off.


6. My sister skipped highschool once and the school called looking for her. I said she was in bed sick (Okay yes, I lied.) They refused to believe me. Uh, that would be because the truancy officers caught up with her at a house that she and others were hanging out at. And their getaway plan? They hid under blankets and tables "where no one can see us."


7. Big bro and hubs went hunting with bro's not-so-scholarly next door neighbor. He (neighbor) wandered out of the woods exclaiming, "Ow! I think I just got shot." Not whatcha want to hear from another hunter. And sure 'nuff, he had been shot. Naturally, hubby expected to see limbs missing and blood shed. Nope. Just a bebe pock.


8. One of my mom's male cosmetology students showed up to school in clear plastic pants (ewwwwww).


9. Another student, who was not so stable, had a magazine out in class and was sticking his thumb in his mouth, closing one eye and cocking his head to the side. He was then moving his thumb across the pages in a scanning motion, telling her he was getting creative ideas for his haircuts. Inspiration for haircuts from Popular Mechanics? Yes, that's what he had been reading. But hey, if Genevieve can use a bowl of won ton soup for decorating inspiration on Trading Spaces, then pretty much anything goes.


10. Little bro had nose surgery in his late teens. He told the surgeon he only had two requests; "Don't make me look like Michael Jackson and don't make me look like Miss Piggy."


11. Carl just interrupted me and asked, "When are we going to boil those #2 nipples?" And now he's griping, "Take that off your blog. That's STUPID!" He's guessing I'll lose a few readers on this one. Seeing as I only have four, perhaps I should heed his warning.
    Clarification: Think plastic baby bottles.
    


12. During homeschool yesterday, Reece was doing his math work independently. To teach the writing of number five, I say, "Here's a back. Here's a tummy. Put on a hat and 5 looks funny." The answer to Reece's math problem was 50. Every time Reece tried to write the 5 in 50, the poorly sharpened pencil would quit marking the page as he got to the "hat" part. I overheard the following;
    "Here's a back.
    Here's a tummy.
    Put on a hat......
    put on a hat..........
    put on a HAAAAAAT (sigh)..........
    Then in frustration, "HEY! 5 won't wear a hat, Momma!"


13. Carl once got a ticket for speeding and was required to appear in court because he already had too many points on his record (I didn't call him Mario for nothing back in the day). So, being the expert that I was on speeding tickets (Oh, stop. I said was)...I told him how to impress the judge so he would walk away with a minimal fine as I once had.
    "You need to dress up. Wear a really nice casual shirt and khaki pants. Be well groomed. Use manners and be sure to toss out, "Your Honor" several times. Express regret. But DO dress up and make a good visual impression."
    Carl called me when he got home.
    "How did it go? Did you dress up?"
    "Yep, sure did."
    "Did'ja use your manners and say, "Your Honor" and all that?"
    "Uh huh. Just like you told me to."
    "Well, how did it go? Did he seem pleased with your presentation?"
    "I don't think so."
    "Why not? You did wear the dress shirt and khakis, right?"
    "Uh huh, but he still gave me a major fine."
    "Wow. And you went out of your way to make a good impression."
    "And it might have worked too if my case hadn't been assigned to a blind judge."

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