HE WAS AFTER MY GAMS (AND THEY'RE NOTHING TO COVET)

Okay, two people many have asked me to tell my Mr. Hero's story (Kafree, stop laughin' now, sister) so here goes..................

I worked for USAirways for thirteen years. They're a tight bunch, airline employees. Many laughs and great friendships too. Kathy and I were hired on the same day and became fast friends (still are, but sadly my dear McStick is now far away in sunny so-Fla). We went on our first cruise together at age 22 (don't need to tell you how fun that was). And we attended the wedding of two other airline friends together. Ya with me? Stage set.

Okay, so the first fox pox of the wedding day came when we stood outside for the traditional throw rice or something that won't cause birds to swell up and die moment. Alas, our friends opted for releasing balloons. Not me. I threw white rice at my wedding. Just kidding. You didn't think I would seriously do that, did ya? Naw, it was long grain.

Anyway, so we released the balloons......and releeeeased......and released ("Sheesh, "T" sure went over the top with these wedding balloons," I pondered.) Only later did we learn that our friends' wedding was the first scheduled that day,.........and that the next wedding had ordered identical balloons. Uh huuuh! We had released not only our friends' balloons but the second wedding's as well. Um, oops? "Best wishes for a looooong life together!" (I've always wondered if the second wedding was forced to pick up a few bags of long grain themselves).

So, Kathy and I decided to head over to Mr. Hero's for a couple of crab salads (because nothing says seafood like faux crab). Our conversations were always a marathon hoot for us, yet somehow dizzying for so many others. That's because we had matching cases of (what?) jitters, ADHD, I'm not sure. But I do know we could discuss 9 or 10 topics simultaneously, flipping from one to the next in rapid fire succession, all while downing our faux crustaceans.
While we sat, ate and gabbed incessantly, I did happen to notice a short, portly man, late 20's, with glasses and a crew cut sitting over my left shoulder by the window (think Winnie the Pooh shape). He wasn't eating anything and I assumed he was waiting for a ride. Normal scene.

A good fifteen minutes passed and we were now nearing completion of our meal. We were still seated when all of a sudden, "Pooh" guy comes flying out of no where and makes a dive under our table. Here's one of those moments where the brain can literally think a million thoughts a minute (even faster than Kathy and I can talk together, which is snappy fast). My mind was trying to justify why a strange pooh-shaped man just dove under my table, especially as Kathy and I were in dresses and hose (yes, nylons were unfortunately required back in the day). While I was concluding that "surely he must have some special needs and surely he must have gotten excited about a quarter he spotted on the floor", it happened. And "it" was noooooooot good.

Pooh guy grabbed onto my gams with both his hands and began rubbing them up and down frantically. I let out a most terrified cry, which naturally caused my dear sistuh friend, Kathy McStick, to leap into action (picture Wonder Woman, only without the golden girls). She's a thinker, Kathy. She put an immediate plan into motion to protect me from the mentally unstable man who was under the table pawing relentlessly. She did what any quick thinking, got your back girlfriend would do. She beat him silly with her fake Gucci bag (I have to tell you, I'm snorting as I type this because she weighed all of 102 pounds soaking wet, and I mean she gave him a beatdown).

And as quick as it had started,....... it stopped.

He was gone.

And Kathy, not one to miss out on the opportunity to make a joke, said, "Oh look, Toni. He's fleeeeeing on his bicycle." He did too. He pedaled off, gratified for having groped my gams.

I was dumbfounded. And do you know not one Mr. Hero employee ever heard or saw a thing? Would have been a great day for a cash drawer theft. Sheesh!

Naturally, we called the police and were creeped out to learn that they knew exactly who we were talking about. He had "frightened" kids on their way home from school which was just so disturbing to me. One of the sobering moments in this story. Now on to his parents.

The police drove us to his nearby home (how far can one flee on a bicycle after all) to identify him. We stayed in the car and they brought him out on the front porch.
"Yes officer, that's Pooh him."

I had no sooner identified him when these two older people, his parents, scudded out of the house and made a bee-line for the squad car. The door on Kathy's side opened first and she scooted away and leaned toward me as she stared in the face of an angry man sporting a ribbed tank undershirt and enormous eyebrows.

"$#%!*&$%@#^*&$#@!!!!!"

"Kathy, what did he say?"

"I have no clue. Their last name was on the mailbox and it was something like Theosophranoeliopolis."

"Oh. Okay then, that explains it."

Suddenly, my door flew open. Throw Momma From The Train was standing there and LET. ME. TELL. YOU., someone done told on her baby and she was not happy about it. As I scooted the other way and leaned into Kathy,

"#@%$#%*%@!#$@%*!!!!!!"

"Kathy, what is she saying?"

"I have no clue. I don't speak angry Greek Momma."

Finally, one of the officers made them leave us alone ("Step away from the vehicle with your hands up!" Naaaaw, that part just made for good story tellin', though they did make them get away from the car.)

Our gam grabbin' ordeal was finally wrapped up and it was time to head to our friends' reception. I'm happy to report we ended the day by dragging the bride's father out on the dance floor to do the Lawnmower with us. And we had to throw in a Polka or two just for good times. And now you know the story that forever went down as the great Mr. Hero's incident.

NOTE: Speaking of airline pals, if you can catch Dateline tonight, a former close airline friend of mine will be on. I was so shocked and saddened at how her life turned out after I moved on from the airline we both worked for.

Toni