THURSDAY THIRTEEN

Thirteen Things about Toni 13 "sillies" you might not know about me *********** I fell off the southernmost point of the United States (ever the drama queen, I had to show the other tourists that I, yes I, could go further south than they). I can't say "strategy" (it comes out "stragedy") or "memorabilia" (it comes out "memor-ablia"). I had childhood anger issues over Romper Room (I don't believe that woman had any intention at all of ever looking through that magic mirror and saying, "I see Toni.") I was the envy of many a friend "back in the day" because I was privileged to drive a 'Vette. Yeah, drool. You know you wish you did (If I only had Audio Adrenaline's waaay cool song to blast while I was cruisin' back then). I once made my little sister call the local newspaper so I could get my picture on the front page (staged, walking my rabbit on a leash in the rain). It worked. I slid off the road in my 1980 Plymouth Volare, missing a wide ditch by maybe 6 inches, then coming to a stop within 1/2" of someone's garage. Strangers came running up to my car to check on me, only to discover that yes, I was just fine, what with being gussied up in hot rollers and clips and all. And now you're green-eyed over all the hot cars I drove (you know you are.) I knew how to pick 'em. I attended a DC Talk concert with a concussion (talk about hoping to hear a ballad). Knocked myself cleaaaan out tripping over my dog to get to my (crying) second child as an infant. I've got some freaky in me. I can turn both hands over 360º and rest them on my lap. If I didn't impress you with my stellar wheels, I know you're impressed now. I was our town's Apple Queen. Now that may not seem so silly but the visual of me struttin' my stuff in stiletto heels and a tin foil stethoscope definitely is (it was part of my "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" requisite themed costume entry). When I was a nurse, I used to rip out full sized face images from magazines, cut them out and cut the lips out of the images, then tape one of those faces over my own face and check on my patients(talking through the mouth so they could be cared for by "nurses" like Princess Di, Hilary Clinton, etc.) Oh sure, roll your eyes if you must but let me tell you, laughter proved again and again to be the very best medicine. I was a baggage handler in the airlines. It was a reaaally glamorous job too. I mean, can you say you smelled like a carp on the job because a live fish shipment dumped through the belly of the aircraft you were unloading? No, that crown belongs to moi (I display it on the same shelf as my apple blossom crown.) Jonah in the belly, that was me. I once taped notes all the way to the corner of our street to warn my older brother of his impending doom. He had gotten himself into trouble with my parents and I perceived they were about to lower the boom on him. So I left a Hansel and Gretel bread trail of doom on the sidewalk, with messages like; turn back now, they're going to kill you, you are in VERY BIG trouble, call me at 7pm and I'll update you, hide out until the dust settles. I might add my parents found the notes. I once convinced my dh that we should try to sneak onto the set of Young Guns. He was reluctant, but (to please me, no doubt) found himself rolling down our car window to say, "We're with the crew" (didn't I come up with a great line?) only to be shooed away by Meatloaf, a.k.a. "the Loaf", who was the rather large security guy with long hair and a ruffled shirt (I mean, what gave with that?) Okay, so that lil' adventure never panned out, but we did make it to a filming of Mama's Family (obviously, we impressed them with our class.)

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