THURSDAY THIRTEEN

Thirteen Things about fertility challenges I want you to know

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Being the friend or family member of someone facing fertility challenges (inability to conceive, inability to conceive after the birth of previous children: aka secondary infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, death in early infancy, etc.) can be very difficult. You hurt for them and yet feel helpless in how to love and encourage them in this painful season of their lives. So, just how can you minister to them in love and compassion "in the midst of this season"? These suggestions, posted previously at Hannah's Prayer, may be helpful. And while they mainly deal with failure to conceive and/or carry a pregnancy to term, some points may be adaptable to occurances of losing an infant or child.

1. Commit to praying diligently for your friend.
   Put a reminder (a picture of your friend, a note, etc.) to pray for them someplace where you will see it often. Pray that God will give you the wisdom to know how to encourage your particular friend. James 5:16b says, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." There truly is power in prayer and your friend needs your prayers more than anything.


2. Drop them a note when the Lord places them on your heart. Tell them you love them, hurt for them and are praying for them. If appropriate, include an encouraging scripture. Writing how you feel can often be easier than saying it. Snail mailed notes from friends can truly be helpful, for they are personal and demonstrate love and concern, but they don't put your struggling friend or family member on the spot to respond (the infertility "spotlight" can be very uncomfortable.) The timing of your note may well be divinely inspired, reaching your friends when they most need it. Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading. If God places them on your heart...there is a reason. Send those occasional notes.


3. Don't take it personally if they seem distant at times. More than likely they are hurting, and contact with you, if you have children or are expecting, only reminds them of their pain. Remember, this is just a season and if you have a strong relationship, it will survive this time of testing and trial.


4. Be sensitive with conversation.
   Just as, in the company of a single friend, it is not thoughtful to always talk about your married life, so too if you have children and are with an infertile person, it is inconsiderate to only talk about parenthood. Don't constantly talk about "what cute things he said yesterday." Your friend surely does care about your children. And if your friend is doing well and feeling strong, they will probably ask about your children. Take your signal from them.


5. Asking about their infertility situation depends a great deal on the depth of your friendship.
   If you are close friends, certainly ask from time to time how things are going. Your friend will appreciate your concern. Then let them guide the conversation, don't push. If your friend is a more casual acquaintance, it is often better to say little. Infertility can be a very private and personal matter for some. If they feel comfortable discussing their situation with a casual friend, more than likely, they will bring it up in the conversation some way. Take your clues from them.


6. Do not offer advice, unless asked for. Don't tell them you stood on your head, went on vacation to the Bahamas, took certain herbs or bought your husband boxer shorts. If they have been living with infertility for a while, they probably have tried it all and your well meaning advice is not only unhelpful, it is hurtful. The advice can also suggest that achieving pregnancy is within one's control.


7. Do not tell them to "RELAX."
   This "R word" sends shivers up any infertile person's spine. This cliché is offered as advice by many well-meaning friends. However, 90% of infertility is due to medical problems in one or both mates (10% to unknown causes) and relaxing will certainly not change their medical condition of infertility. If you tell your friend to relax, they may feel like you are making light of their situation, perhaps suggesting it is their fault that they are not pregnant. This advice, though surely well intentioned, hurts and in no way helps them. Instead, pray for them, that the Lord would give them comfort, and contentment in the other good gifts He has given them as they wait on His answer for a child. This gives the burden to the Lord and not your friend.


8. Do not tell them to "just adopt" and then they will get pregnant.
   Although adoption *is* a wonderful answer to prayer for some, it is no simple, stress-free procedure, nor is it a guarantee that your friend will someday conceive a biological child. It is also a very personal and private decision. Some are more sensitive than others regarding the idea of adoption. If they are considering adoption, chances are, they'll let you know. Let them bring it up. Toni's personal note: This particular suggestion ("just" adopt) makes me cringe on a personal level anyway (messenger and intent being considered, of course). Adoption is not a fallback plan. And it wasn't my plan, but God's all along. Adoption is by His design and an absolute gift from His hand (just look at Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, and it is clear.) 'Nuff said.


9. Realize jokes can be counter-productive.
   You joke to try to lighten their spirit, yes? But comments like, "Why don't you drink our water?" or "Do you want to borrow my pants?" or "You can have our kids!" are simply not helpful, no matter what your friend's stage of infertility. If you feel awkward with the situation, it is better to say nothing than to say something you think is funny, but may be received as hurtful.


10. Try not to complain about your pregnancy or your children when talking to an infertile friend.
    Rather, share with a friend who can relate. It can be hurtful to an infertile person to hear these complaints from someone to whom God has entrusted the precious gift of a child.


11. Love them by listening when they do decide to talk about it.
    Do not say you understand if you have never experienced infertility. You can still be compassionate and minister to them without having to relate your life experiences to them or without always giving advice, counsel or a profound answer to their questions. Put away your toolbox. Don't try to fix things. Just love them and listen.


12. When announcing your pregnancy, tell your news in person and privately, *never in public*, to a close infertile friend or family member. Tell them you are sensitive to their feelings, and reassure them that you love them and hurt for them as you bring this news to light. Give them "permission" to not fill the space with words they do not have "on the spot."
    And consider sharing your news in a written note if they are out of town and you do not speak often. Telling out-of-town friends in a note gives them time and space to accept it and not be put on the spot for an immediate response (there's that "spotlight" again.) Understand they will experience conflicting emotions: happiness for you and magnified sadness for themselves. They often need time to sort through their emotions in order to express them properly. Ask other mutual friends or family members to please not mention your pregnancy to the one experiencing infertility because you want them to receive the news gently, from you.


13. Baby Showers
    For a close friend who has been going through infertility for an extended time, rather than mail them an invitation, call them. Tell them you'd like to include them but you want to cause them the least pain. An infertile person can often experience "false guilt" if they are not emotionally able to attend. So assure them you love them and they don't need to be present for you to know they love you too. Please know that the infertile person does want to celebrate your joy, but that being in a room full of people who talk about babies and pregnancy stories for hours can be too overwhelming.

And ultimately remember who is in control. Recognize that no matter how hard you try to encourage your infertile friend or family member, God, our Heavenly Father is the only one who can truly give them the comfort, strength, joy, hope and peace that they need and/or seek. To that end, I refer you back to #1. These words are not my own, but rather are paraphrased from an article posted at Hannah's Prayer. If you have a close friend or family member who is hurting due to fertility challenges, please share the Hannah's Prayer website with them. You will be giving them a gift of support and encouragement from other women who truly know and understand their pain. I can definitely vouge for the ministry, as I served as a forums moderator for some time there. This Thursday Thirteen is a follow-up to a post I recently made, and is based on personal experience.

Toni