I Would Die For That
Do you know the pain of missing someone you've never met? Sadly, so many couples do, as they live with the heartache of fertility challenges, sometimes outwardly but more often in complete silence. It is a very dark and isolating pain that often is not resolved and never is forgotten.
I am so richly blessed, that God would allow me the privilege of raising four of His precious children. And that He chose to give them to me through adoption is, well, humbling beyond my ability to explain it to you, even though I have tried to put it into words.
And while my own childlessness ended with the adoption of our first child, the burden of infertility did not. And perhaps, maybe, just some of the purpose in that is so my own heart will forever remain sensative to others who are hurting and grieving due to childlessness and/or fertility related loss.
For them and for me, I'm asking you to please view this video. And for them, I will soon post a "Thursday Thirteen" that I hope and pray will help you to better understand and more compassionately reach out to that couple in your own life who knows this kind of grief.
32 comments:
Toni- this touched the very deepest part of me. I remember it very well.
Thank you for sharing this - I've linked to you, and will be back tomorrow.
Hi Toni
Today is the first day I saw your blog, following a link from Living in Grace. I'm so glad I did. I know infertility. Too well. Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh, my word. I wish I weren't at work when I saw this. I was really trying not to just bawl at my desk.
We tried for 2 years. Gave up and decided that we'd just go full-time into ministry. So, we've been married for 10 years, no kids, and full-time in ministry. We've kinda adopted the kids from our youth group as our kids for now. That's good enough for us right now.
Oh Toni, how beautiful and also heartbreaking that was. I don't know that pain, and I can't imagine. Thanks for posting this--my eyes are opened to something I'd not thought of much before, I am ashamed to say. I also feel the need to apologize, for I was one of those teenage girls who did not know the depth of what I was doing when I became pregnant and chose to kill my child. I've lived with great guilt over it, especially since I became saved, and I am truly sorry.
Oh Missy, I totally believe you did not know the depth of what you were doing as a young girl. But it is not beyond the mercy and forgiveness of our God and Father. Satan wants to deceive us into thinking we're not forgiven. And he wills that you would forever be tormented with guilt. But our God desires that you would rest in His promises and in His second chances, Amen? Give that princess an extra special hug today, (((Missy))).
Blessings,
~Toni~
Man...this is a tough one for me. I am an adoptive mother. Couldn't conceive biologically. But, I just wanted the chance to be a mother...I didn't care how it happened.
However, I can't help but grieve for the fact that you still grieve not having that chance. I don't believe God wants you to carry that. I believe He wants to take that grief from you. I can't see you continually living with something that could be handed over to Him. I just don't understand it.
I wish you could see his purpose in your life in a way that could comfort that part of your heart.
Have you seen a counselor to try and work through you pain of never being able to carry a child? I wish you could be at peace with that part of your life.
I am adopted child, who praises God that my mom chose to let me live.
After nine years of infertility, I finally conceived. So I've been on both sides. I read a book this winter. Inconceivable - Finding Peace in the Midst of Infertility by Shannon Woodward.
I bought the book after I read a review and an interview with the author at 5 Minutes For Mom. I can't tell you how much I recommend this book to anyone struggling with infertility or feeling a loss because she never carried a child.
This was one of the most moving posts I've ever read, Toni. The video is beautiful.
Anonymous,
I appreciate your reflections on this post. But please do not grieve for me. I am at a place of acceptance with God's plan for my life as it relates to having a family. I believe you might have misunderstood me to suggest that I feel somehow incomplete as a mother because I did not birth my children. That would not be accurate. Do I wish I could have known the joy of carrying the children He has blessed me with? Yes, sure. But I don't live in constant grief for not having done so.
OTOH, I *do* very much live with an awareness of and a deep burden for the hearts of other couples who are not at a place of peace, acceptance or healing from the pain of fertility challenges. That's the burden I was referring to. It's a burden to pray for them and and to extend understanding and compassion to them. It's a burden that moved me to serve for a time at Hannah's Prayer as a moderator (an online ministry for Christian couples facing fertility challenges).
Adoption cures childlessness, not infertility. As such, there are adoptive couples who still feel the pain of their journey when dear friends or family announce their pregnancies. And God does not necessarily remove that pain. I think of the couple who loses a biological child. They may go on to have other children. They may come to a place of peace about the loss of their child. But can it still hurt long after the loss occurred? Yes. To me, it's not a matter of God removing the pain. Rather, it's a matter of being able to surrender it to Him, daily if necessary.
Each couple will journey through the experiences of infertility differently. Not right or wrong. Just differently. I'm glad that for you, there was total resolution. While serving with Hannah's Prayer though, I became very aware that this is just not the case for every Christian couple. And my heart is very tender toward that.
Blessings,
~Toni~
Well said, Toni. Well said.
Chills and tears. I've never heard a song capture that pain so perfectly. I praise God that he did fulfill the deepest longings of my heart by bringing four of His children to me. Though I will never know the wonder of giving birth, I have had the joy of walking a unique road with Jesus who paved the way before me...seeing 4 little lives redeemed and given a new spiritual inheritance, miraculously looking at 4 beautiful brown faces and seeing my own heart reflected back at me, loving these kids so much that I am truly thankful for this barren womb. God knew what I needed most to glorify Him best. I'm glad He did not give me what I asked for, but blessed me with so much more and that He sees the beginning and the end all at once.
For those who struggle with the decision to adopt...I can only encourage you to not let fear be what keeps you away. Are there risks? Absolutely. But there are risks no matter HOW you become a parent. Adoption was God's idea, not Man's. It is dear to His heart and an indescribable blessing to those of us who are touched by it.
And, Missy, I know this is not my blog! (I hope this is ok, Toni!) My heart broke for you when I read your comment. I think there are many young women like you who, had you known there were loving Christian couples who would love and honor YOU as much as they would love the baby you carried, would have made a very different choice. I'm sorry you felt so trapped and I hope you know how precious you are to God. His mercies are new every morning.
Oh Jeanine, how we understand one another's hearts so very well. And of course it's okay that you posted to Missy here. Oh, how I didn't realize when I typed out my first paragraph of this post that her pain could be found within my words as well. I absolutely love what you posted here, Jeanine. How right you are in stating that He knew what we needed most to glorify Him best. HOW BEAUTIFUL!
Blessings,
~Toni~
WOw! I actually watched the whole video (I usually don't), and that was truly touching.
Now I must go find a Kleenex and kiss my boys and stop and take a moment to remember how precious they are.
Thank you!
Hi
I am glad I stopped by for a visit. Your blog is very thought provoking. You obviously touched many hearts with this post. God bless you and all you reach out to.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/bubbebobbie/
Came over from Living in Grace; I am not a mom yet but my own mother struggled for 7 years with infertility. She's always called me her miracle baby and tells me that with everything I'm doing in life it hasn't gotten any easier to entrust me to God. (It's good stuff, but I don't always travel to the safest countries.) Now she has 3 of us and a powerful story to share with others. :)
There are many in my life right now who are struggling to concieve. I think this is just how they feel.
Note to self:Have tissues nearby when reading Toni's blog!
Seriously, Toni, I'm not making light of it. I have never experienced that pain, but neither was I truly aware of the depth of that pain for those who do. :-(
I will seek to be more sensitive to those God brings across my path who are in that place. Thank you for the newfound awareness.
Hi Toni,
I've been out of the loop for a while and wanted to check in on one of my favorite bloggers. It was good to read you had such a blessed trip and are safe back home. I LOVED reading about all of your lazy summer day country festivities! The pictures looked like a Countrytime Lemonade commercial. (Maybe it's the Swingtime music I'm listening to while I check on blogs.) What a sweet girl you have in Olivia - loves horses, writes Thank you notes to her parents, and sings to Jesus. You can't ask for much more. What a very precious little girl! And I am so sorry to hear about your friend's girl. I don't have the words; it's so very tragic. So devastating and unnatural. I will pray for them each time I think of their aching hearts. And I have been praising God all day long -because of this post and other things - that He has allowed me such an overwhelmingly honorable privelage as raising some of His children!!!! Have a sweet Sunday tomorrow, my friend.
I always have to skip the YouTube bits because it freezes up my ancient computer. But fertility issues have been part of my life, too and 15 years into our marriage, we have yet to hit the jackpot. I'm open to either ending for this journey. In one of the ironies of life, I've always loved the King Arthur stories featuring the 'barren queen' Guinevere. Little did I know as a teenager that her hearbreak would be my own. However, as I go through life mulling things over, which I do every day really, I believe that there are many things that I've come to understand through this part of my life. First, I am who I am because I was created this way. Sometimes - most times - what appears to be a tragedy is the only way a person can be pressed into spiritual growth. Second, I do a lot of caregiving, just not for a child who calls me Mommy. I've been a nanny, I help my husband through bipolar disorder, and I help my mom take care of my elderly grandmother. There's lots of ways to extend love. I've really only scratched the surface in that regard.
Sometimes - most times - what appears to be a tragedy is the only way a person can be pressed into spiritual growth.
Oh yes, I agree. It is in life's valleys and trials that God can grow us best. Absolutely, that has been true for me.
Julia, you listed some very beautiful ways that you extend love to others (I know that comes back to you as well.) Thank you for reminding me that there are many, MANY other good gifts besides motherhood that God bestows on His children. And blog friends, God has certainly given Julia a gift that most of us will never possess (folks, she is MAJORLY talented.)
When I think of "the arts", I think of you, Julia. You know I live vicariously through your gift of writing. And you are passionate about the wonderful gifts God has blessed you with. And you are passionate about those you love in her life. Yes, I feel sad that you too have been impacted by infertility. But I must say, I *love* the way you embrace your life, all of it, and LIVE it to the fullest exactly as God has purposed it. Your spirit is beautiful.
Blessings,
~Toni~
I'm visiting you from Barb's link. I love this post. I remember too well the pain of infertility. I now have 2 beautiful children that the drs. said I would never have. Thanks for posting this.
Wow, that is an incredibly powerful song/video. It makes me tear up although I've not had that experience. I've known good friends to have that pain though, and I've ached for them.
Missy: God loves you. God forgives you. You are as white as snow to Him. I pray that you can give the pain and guilt over that choice to Him.
Wow. Thank you for posting this-- this song echoes everything I've felt and thought over the past 3+ years as my husband and I have tried to have children...and are still waiting. We are in the process of adopting and some days the waiting and longing is unbearable for me. Knowing I am never alone-- in the company of my Savior and in the company of others who walk this path-- helps.
Who is this artist? I'd love to get a copy of this song to help me through the hard days until we bring our daughter home.
Kim
A friend of mine had that on her blog recently (she has been TTC for a while now.) It is so beautifully done, and while I have never had the heartache of infertility, my heart goes out to each woman that faces that struggle.
It brought tears to my eyes just to see that you'd posted it on your blog - I haven't yet pushed the little arrow to let it start playing as I know I will bawl.
Yes... I am trying 7 new recipes a week ... it will include any "made from my head" recipes though! I struggle with being the good house wife and having a meal made for the husband - more often than not we just scrounge around and eat what we find (sandwich, pasta and butter...) I LOVE to cook though - and when we have company over I have a grand array of recipes I like to use ... so as a sort of challenge/way to make it fun/make my hubby a happier, better fed man I decided to do 7 new recipes a week. It is in part to collect more recipes for company. It is to extend my cooking skills - I am thinking of starting to master Chinese food. Ok, not master. Attempt =)
Now that I have written a novel on your blog I shall go! Goodnight :) Thanks for the comment earlier, made me laugh!
Hi Kim,
The artist's name is Kellie Coffey. I was so deeply moved by how this video captured the many twists and turns that relate to infertility. I would love to know the story behind her recording of this song as well.
I'm so thrilled for you regarding the path of adoption. And it is now my privilege to pray for you as you wait. Do stop by and let me know when God's timing is revealed to you.
Blessings,
~Toni~
wow. just ran across this in blog-land from a link. i understand, having just had my 2nd miscarriage in the past 6 months i UNDERSTAND that post. i am blessed to have a 2 yr old... i am not sure what God's plans are for me, but i am trusting HIM in all things.
thanks for that!!
I found your blog thru Living in Grace. Your post touched me so deeply. I struggled with infertility, having 2 miscarraiges before my doctor stepped in. Long story but I now have a beautiful 7 year old son. I learned that I had to give up all of the fear and heartache to God, I couldn't carry it anymore. I'm not saying that to say that's why I had a baby and others don't-I know many people with faith much greater than mine who never had biological children. I just prayed daily, sometimes hourly, that God's will be done. I prayed more in those 8 1/2 months than I have in my entire life! For those of you still struggling, I feel your heartache. I had my second miscarrage on my birthday, and my Mother gave me a card that said God answers our prayers, just not always in the way we want or expect. For those that adopt, I admire you more than you'll ever know. God bless.
I found your blog via "A Chelsea Morning". My husband and I married in our early thirties and began trying to have a family right away. We both came from large families and were so anxious to begin one of our own. Miscarriage after miscarriage dwindled those hopes until at the age of 40 I said "no more." It took many years for me to come to peace with our situation. And while adoption was not an option for us, we have showered all our love and attention on our nephews and nieces. Our home is often filled with the squeals of childish laughter when grateful parents drop their children off. The parents get a break and we get to experience, if only for a brief time, the joy of having children in our home.
From my heart to yours, thank you for blogging about this -- it was quite thought provoking.
Toni-
I am so touched by what I have read on your blog and thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting my video on your page. When I wrote this song I wondered if anyone would "get" it. I felt so alone at the time. I am humbled that God chose me to write this song and touch hearts. I cry every time I read people's stories in response to my song and pray everyone finds their miracle.
God Bless-
Kellie Coffey
www.kelliecoffey.com
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