Beauty for Ashes.
Some facts of life are painful. Others are frightening. Some bring us great joy and wonder. Still others are just plain sad. And as parents, we often find ourselves in the "facts of life" driver seat, forced to pass on certain things to our children that are no less fragile for us to share than for them to receive. I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, as I know there will come a day soon when Carl and I will have to share a very sensitive and significant fact of life with our son. The fact is, both his birthparents are deceased.
A dear friend of mine learned a significant fact of life about herself after she reached adulthood. She learned that she was adopted by the man she has always known as "Dad." And while this did not change the fact that he is Dad to her, it did greatly impact her sense of self and caused alot of pain and confusion for her. Without judging the situation, I really believe she would have been better able to process this fact, had she known from a young age.
I think about my son and the impact our news could have on him. I think of my friend. And I realize that hearing this fact about his birthparents at an older age could become a point of unrest for him. Imagine if you, as an adoptee, began to have thoughts of someday meeting your birthparents; began to entertain those thoughts and did so for several years. Then, BAMM! You get hit with the reality that it will not even be remotely possible because there is no one alive to meet. Do you see the impact this could have? I do.
Yesterday, I watched my son giggling and having a great time. He's witty. He's very funny. He's handsome and he's tender hearted. He is, in fact, a gift. A beautiful gift that two people left behind before they breathed their last breath here on earth. God's perfect timing amazes me. For, my son's birthparents are no longer here on earth to have another child. He was their last child and one of the last wonderful things God purposed through their lives. That's incredible to me. Incredibly purposeful.
And so, someday in the near future we will need to begin to share a much deeper part of our son's adoption story with him. I believe it's for the best that he grows up with these facts being a natural part of who he is, as opposed to gaining them with "shock value" at a much later time.
This world is filled with fragile facts of life. As parents, how difficult it is to accept that we cannot protect our children from all of them, that they actually need to know so many of them. Still, every time I look at my son and feel the sadness of this particular fact of life, that his birthparents are no longer living, I also receive the amazing blessing of beauty for ashes. God's ways are soooo much higher than our own.
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me...
To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."
Isaiah 61:1,2c,3 (New King James Version)
Toni
10 comments:
Oh, Toni this is such a beautiful post. I am feeling the angst and the heartbreak along with you. But I am also feeling the celebrations you see. The fact that you have been blessed with this beautiful life, and he blessed to be in yours, is just a phenomenal thing. What beauty you offer Toni.
Blessings on wing.
Toni I believe you are so right about telling your son when he is still young
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go about telling him
It wont be easy but its right to do it soon
may I ask how they both died???
I agree that to speak about it matter-of-factly but with respect, will do wonders to help him in the future.
I often think about the day my husband and I got our dog - she was advertised on a laundry room bulletin board, and the family's house was down a long road through the woods that was really just a logging trail. It seemed we were out of our minds to keep going down this bumpy muddy road with the branches literally sweeping along the side of the car, when just at that point we passed a logging truck with a guy having a break, and we asked him if there were any residential homes ahead. He said yes. Up until he appeared, we might have had to turn back if we could have found a spot wide enough to do it. I think of those two things - the day I needed to use the laundromat when I generally didn't - and the guy who told us there really were homes up ahead. If not for those two things I wouldn't have my little furry chum, whom I love so dearly. I sometimes think what might have become of her little doggie life if we didn't have her. The thought could be scary, but I feel good knowing we were led to her. She was meant for us, and we were meant for her!
Just as your family was meant to be with each other.
Julia,
What a very cool account of how your sweet dog was joined to you. It was definitely meant to be. And I am a huge lover of animals (our babies, aren't they?) so I appreciate it all the more.
And Jen, both parents had health crises that ultimately resulted in death (one died before my son was born and the other died two years after).
Blessings,
~Toni~
I have absolutely no 'real life experience' on this, but agree with you to tell him while he is a child. I think it would be cruel for him to have this thrust upon him as a teenager or young adult. Doing it now will teach him that he can ask you two questions, and lets him know that you are there to talk about it with him. Just my opinion, obviously you and Carl are doing an awesome job with all four of your children!
p.s.- I really enjoyed reading all your comments today!
I tried to imagine how I'd handle this, Toni. And I think you're right. It seems it would be better that he grows up knowing this is part of who he is and not going through years and years thinking something may happen that can never happen.
I agree the shock would be a huge hurdle for him to get over. I hate that you're even in this position but I do believe you have the right idea how to handle it in the way that causes him the least pain.
Toni, I've had no experience with adoption in my own family or anyone close to me (of my friends with skin, anyway). I do want you to know, though, that your sentiments today were simply beautiful. Your little boy's blessings will far outweigh any possible heartaches.
Toni, this one made me cry. I believe you are doing the right thing to make this hard fact a normal part of "his story". To grow up having always known this will be much easier than finding out suddenly later on. I know God will give you the words to share with him and can make this another evidence of His hand upon your little boy's life...that He protected Him and made sure nothing could interfere with His plan.
Beautiful post. And for the record, I also believe you're doing the right thing.
Well, I agree with all said Toni! This was such a beautiful post...thank you for sharing with us. I pray that God gives you and Carl wisdom, guidance, peace and faith in Him as you talk to your son about such a heavy thing. I pray that the hurt he may feel will draw him closer to his Heavenly Father and draw you all closer to God and each other. I pray ultimately for his peace and a long lasting joy and sense of God's hand on his life and just that he would know and believe with all his heart that God has lovingly guided each step he has taken.
~Rose
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